"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." --Psalm 27:14
this morning at intercession, i was broken before the Lord. i came tired, distracted, and not well-prepared for the week. in an attempt at transparency with God, which i believe were called to, I just gave Him my heart and my plans and my failures and weakness. in one moment's time, all off the emotion that the Lord has graciously warded off since my arrival 15 days ago came pouring over me; and in that moment, Christ in me was battling the enemy and a spirit of discouragement that was trying to sneak in through my weakness. i broke down, so discouraged at realizing how much work there is yet to be done in me. how far i am from being the woman so passionately wrapped up in the Lord alone that He has called me to be. i'm still wading through, trying to discern how much of that is truth of inadequacies and failures of the flesh, and how much of that is the enemy trying to deceive me to further distract me from what God is doing.
for two hours, tears have streamed down my face, throughout all of morning worship, the between time, and throughout circle time and prayer with the children this morning. i'm torn by emotions, but distractions; i feel as if my own concerns and my desires of the heart are often leading me, instead of just fully letting the Lord lead them. i was broken for seeking the approval of man through serving; and i'm torn. because i know that the Lord calls us to love and to serve one another, and i am so thankful and blessed for His merciful cultivation of that characteristic in creating me. and i find myself serving others because i really do like to, and know God has called us to this. so i struggle when i find myself caught in the serving so that people are pleased, not solely so that the Lord is pleased. how wrong is that? it really broke me this morning and i've been repenting and asking the Lord to fully restore a heart that seeks to serve Him, and serve others by serving Him, and serving Him by serving others.
i'm also broken because i know i am in a stage of preparation; for something, i'm not sure as to what. i know, and others here have declared in the Lord, that God is going to do big big things in my life, and He's about to wreck it (in a great way) with His plans for me. but i'm having trouble discerning those. i'm struggling with seeing what God has and what I want. its a constant battle to align my path with His, when His is what i ultimately want, but i can't see what it is yet.
so, on my recess break with the kids today, Jenna told me to go have a good quiet time, and here i am. collecting my thoughts before the Lord, battling the discouragement of the enemy, trying to utilize my weakness and how i was created to get in and infiltrate my thoughts with lies and deceit. i opened my Bible, asking the Lord to give me a verse to remind me of my Promises in Him. and I opened to a double-highlighted verse in Jeremiah, with Psalm 27:14 written on an index card holding that place. both verses are wonderful reminders of God's goodness, and His promise to reveal His plans to me. so, i declare patience in His name. i declare encouragement in His name. i declare strength in His name. and i declare the Living Victory of His blood, in my life; that He WILL answer me. He WILL show me great and mighty things, which i so desperately seek but have yet to come to know.
thank you Father for your fresh revelation of Your goodness.
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