the-new-now-normal

i went to bed last night with a frozen coke bottle of water wrapped in the edge of an airline blanket, and laid across my chest. temperature control.

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i monitor students work with a packet of pez in hand. behavior management.

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on stage, in the arena, sarah and i sat and debriefed during our one-on-one with each other. we overlooked trash, concrete, re-barb, and the occasional tree in between the aforementioned. one-with-nature.

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this afternoon, i mixed a left over packet of brownie fudge with a few tablespoons of peanut butter to make a dessert i could consume with crackers. baking.

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sitting on the couch, i'm required to apathetically pull red ants from my skin without missing a beat. the hundreds of daddy long legs in the rafters stay as welcomed house guests. beetles get swept out; roaches, beat with a broom. pest control.

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i finally picked up a case of 48 chocolate pudding cups from a pallet in the arena that was part of a 7,200 pound anonymous shipment last month. shopping on a budget.

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i've learned to sleep in a mosquito net, spray myself down with DEET twice daily, bleach my veggies, get my fiber through pills, deal with the constipation-diarrhea pendulum, and check for worms. the new health care bill.

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walking the market in Montrouis, i bought 250 gourdes worth of avocados. the day after buying 2 bundles of potatoes, 3 of tomatoes, and an onion for less than 100 gourdes. dinner parties.

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started to wash my clothes yesterday shortly after lunch. the electric cut out mid-cycle. by the time it came back on and finished, i hung them on the line just before dinner. it poured last night. they were dry by noon. extra rinse cycle.

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pouring sweat while sitting inside waiting for the electric to turn on so the water pump would allow water pressure in the shower, i had a peace-bringing conversation with someone i hardly know about how in someways, were hardly different. refreshing.

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being in haiti has allowed me to see things in a whole new light. and i'm not sure that the florescent tint is better than the tungsten i'm used to; nor can i always see by choice, and not being forced into it. but nonetheless, my worldview has changed on the ways of life, or at least been transformed rather than conformed, by the situations and circumstances i've been living in.

things here take much more work. to make a phone call, you've got to get dressed, walk to the school to plug in in the office, open your computer and skype account, and pray that the person is available. and that's just if the internet is working. to make my favorite snack, i have to go to the market, find a vendor that has tomatoes/avocados/etc., check prices/quality, practice my best french-creole, walk back, bleach the veggies, soak the beans for 8+ hours, cook the beans in the morning for another 2 hours, just to have the cooked beans go bad by the end of the afternoon. even trying to go to dinner last night took an hour: to wait for taxis, to walk while waiting for taxis, to have the taxi die mid-trip, to get to the restaurant to find that they closed for the entire day because they were "too tired from fête st. marc" to open. to walk to a new restaurant, because there are oh so many of those here, and so-on and so-forth. point isn't to complain; the point is to convey how everything here requires that much more effort to even get it done. and sometimes, last week in particular, that can be frustrating. excruciatingly frustrating.

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so, on saturday morning, i began taking a new deworming medication. i know, i know. how polite and lady-like to discuss this. well, in case you haven't noticed, this blog is pretty raw and up front, and i'm in haiti, so i've decided i get the liberty to talk like this at will. well, yesterday, let's just say "sources" confirmed that the dewormer was working. i am slightly thrilled. i was sort of praying for worms. wait, what? yes. i said that. if its worms, then it means that the terrible stomach aches and issues i've been having lately can be, well-- er, passed. it is not normal to pray for worms. its not normal to have worms. again, new normal.

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all wit and humor aside, last week was the hardest here, and feeling the furthest from the Father. it started last sunday as i withdrew from church just before creole worship began and came home to read and pray on my own (totally needed). but the entire week was one in which i neither felt the presence of the Lord, nor the desire to put forth more effort to find myself at His feet. i was fatigued, frustrated, and even fearful towards weeks-end. each morning, i woke up less excited, and more in pain. i would lay down exhausted at night, and feel my tummy tremble and gurgle as the upsettedness slowly migrated from my lower abdomen to my upper stomach. i've been bloated for three weeks, substantially noticeable by way of gas and the fit of my unflattering lack-of wardrobe. i'm met with frustration as i want to nap, but its hotter inside than out, and laying underneath a mosquito net with zero air-circulation only gives me reason to wash my sheets, yet again. the kids had been exceptionally heinous all week, but that was even the least of my worries. friday morning, i was ever-reluctant to get out of bed for prayer walk, but i told the Lord, God, you've got to do this for me. I don't have it in me. But I know I need to meet you there. driving to the park at the centre of the city, i was sitting in the back of a large work truck, on the side panel. as we bumped about through the roads, i thought, it would be just awful if this panel fell over, and i went with it? I could vision it happening. that would be the last straw; i'd be on the first plane home . . . and then, it happened. it came unhinged and went right over the side. fortunately, i had been gripping the handle used to climb up into the truck and did not go overboard with the panel. but, even in my safety, i was furious. i wanted to cry immediately. i was completely unharmed, and protected by the Lord, but that was all i could take.

fortunately, later in the day, i remembered back to the bible study from the night before. we talked about how when we operate out of fear, we are out of the will of the Lord. God does not put fear in our hearts; in fact, we are to cast out fear with His perfect Love. the fear i experienced was the enemy. he put a fear in my heart, and then tried to kill me, in order to run me off. in order to wear me down and get me to stop what i am doing here in Haiti. its scary, but its also encouraging. the enemy will leave you alone if you're not a threat to Him. we were headed to the park to pray against voodoo and satanic pacts that would be made over the st. marc holiday. we were to pray prophetically over the city, to witness God's love for the nation of Haiti. why would the devil want me there?!

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after a few conversations with sarah, my one-on-one mentor here, i've begun to realize i'm not alone in this. we are all struggling with comfort and the ability to deal and function in a world of intermittent electric, more sweat than our bodies can handle, and a distaste for rice and beans. our honest, real, venting session allowed us both to release our frustrations in shared company, knowing that we understood exactly what the other was feeling. it also gave us platform to pray through this time together. to ask for wisdom and understanding, and a physical and spiritual tolerance for all were succumbed to. to ask that we learn through our suffering, and that it increases our endurance. it was a really great moment to just be real with each other and not have to put on a facade that reflected our initial vigor and ease.

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later in the day, i talked to jodi, a fellow teacher from the states living in the DR. although we have only met once or twice, we have experienced a lot of the same emotions and situations throughout our journeys to teach in the third-world. just talking to her honestly brought peace and confirmation to me, about so much more than just the here-and-now, but also about God's plans for my future. that conversation was refreshing, and reminded me of who i am and why i came.

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since those conversations, i've felt a lot better. this week has been better in general; church sunday, intercession monday morning, and the kids this week have been NORMAL, a NEW normal! :) it's so encouraging watching them grow and learn and think and watch with anticipation. and its been exciting to watch myself grow as a teacher and adapt to the situations that have come my way. pretty exciting stuff! :)